Sa Bahay ni Kuya at Ate :)

Friday afternoon (1:45pm; Nov. 13, 2009) I called at HRD (Human Resource Department) to ask them if there’s vacant job for me in other department coz my contract will end on the 14^th of November. To my surprise, I was immediately invited for an interview to another department, to Purchasing Office.

I wasn’t actually interviewed by the Head of the Office. Coz the 2^nd to the highness (hehehe) where I was send off is a friend of Ms. Weng <one of my Best Buddies in House A). So that’s a big factor actually. But I was asked few questions by the Boss of the department head.

In short, I got another 2-week contract . HHmmm.. 2 weeks coz I am just a reliever of an officer here who’s on leave for 3 weeks due to the reasons which I don’t know.

I started here on Nov. 16, after lunch, coz I still have to go to Serman Agency to sign my contract. J It’s just there when I found out that it’s just a two-week deal. There was a bit of sadness deep inside m e, but I chose not to entertain anymore. The thought of staying here in this institution and the fact that it’s a matter of God’s will are the things that give me strength to keep on hoping…

On my first day, even though there was a warm welcome from them, I haven’t helped my self but to restrain my tears from fall ing onto my chicks. (Syempre nakakahiya naman na makita nila akong umiiyak) Aside from the fact that I’m missing Front Desk that time and my good friends in House A < SPECIAL MENTION: Hazel, Ate Beng, Ate Lanie, Ate Rena, Ate Rochelle > (the reason why I’m cryi ng) the songs being played in Ms. Beng’s PC were so emotional. Hehe… Hindi ko naman nga talaga nakayanan ang kalungkutan at pumunta na ako sa CR to release it.)

(L-R) Ate Lanie, Me, Ate Rochelle, Ms. Weng, Ate Rena and Eunice (ate Ren's daughter) This is just few of the wonderful moments with them.. MORE to come..

kagandahang Hazel

the SLANG- ate Beng

mga borders ni Kuya at Pantry.. (girls..) i dont have Boys pic eh...

It seems that I can’t move on and there’s stain of bitterness in me on that office. But like what I always tell my ex- officemates there: “Despite all the pains, hardships and difficulties I had there, I’d still choose to stay there for the very reason…..”

Eventually, day by day, kahit wala akong ginagawa dito (hehe, wala naman pala kasing na-i-turn over ung nag leave na si Ms. Patty sa reliever (akin))

Ibang iba talaga ang department na pinagtatrabahuan ko ngayon (though two weeks lang ako dito) kumpara sa pinasukan kong opisina noon (ng limang buwan).

Nuknukan ng dami ang pagkakaiba ng dalawa.

Dito, napakababait ng mga tao, as in all of them are true at sobrang masisiyahin. Doon sa isa, iilan lang ang mga totoong tao at talagang may mabuting kalooban. Bilang na bilang mo kung sino talaga ang kakampi at makakaramay mo dun sa House A. Kasi maituturing na isang malaking alamat at kagubatan ang bahay ni Kuya, kung saan maraming naglipanang ahas at kung ano ano pang endangered species.

I am definitely happy here in Purchasing Office. Not just because in here, there are really lots of food shared among us nor for the democracy implemented. Rather it is for the reason that whether you are contractual, a visitor, a supplier, student and co-employee they will treat you evenly. Also, the thought that the Boss (Ma’am Carmela) herself is truly such a jolly and good person to work with and ofcourse Ma’am Cioni, Ms. Ghold, Sir Andy, Ms. Beng and Windy really shown me fairness that I haven’t actually expected. (Maybe it’s really just a strange thing to me since I came from the house a wherein has the opposite of almost everything in my current house (b).

Although my work here is very light and seems like I’m the 2^nd boss, just waiting for a meeting and papers to have it signed by me. Boredom honestly curls my newly re-bonded hair and it slowly kills my enthusiasm for the whole day! SWEAR!!! (buti na lang, I get a chance to mingle with my ates at lunch time) But then again, I enjoyed their company really I enjoyed it so much. It truly amazes me seeing them working together with harmony and unity, pause for awhile and have some chat among them (take note: from time to time, hehehe) and listen to their sentiments and non stop story telling.

Again, I gained friends here, though not so close, but still I know where to go when I am hungry, hahahaha, when I want to share something needing people to pay some attention to my story (since, I forbid my self from going to Ms. Weng’s place and Ate Lanie’s department is on the other continent. hehehe).

I’m looking forward to working with them again, as in WORK with them soon (if there’d be vacant position to open).

Indeed, God is really great, coz in just 2 weeks, my nightmare in House A twirled into a cool dream when I entered House B, Big Sister’s House.

-#-

November 12. It hurts to say goodbye.

I don’t know how to express this feeling of sadness.

I remember a friend told me once that I should not attached my self to the people who’ll come for just a period of time and then go. Coz if we do so, you’d tend to invest a feeling for them.

I can’t blame myself for not taking that piece of advise, coz I know for a fact that I just do easy to love a person who’s been a really a friend to me..

I can’t really even help but cry and cry.. for I know that it wont take me long to stay here in this office. I only have a day and a half here.

I thought that I’d be glad when my contract ends. Coz on my first few weeks here, I felt like giving up and leaving this office. Oh sure this office has a lot of flaws, but there are just few of the people here who’s making that impression true.

I have been here for 5 months. As I go along my way working here, I have known people who really became good friends to me. Indeed friendship is one of the mysterious things happen us, as human being who knows how to appreciate and love the person we’re getting along with.

Grabe talaga… The sadness deeply hurts me, so much.. Gustuhin ko man na manatili ditto, wala naman akong magagawa dahil wala naman sa akin ang kapangyarihan.

Now I could say that I was very wrong when I tell some of my friends that I was so excited for November 14, 2009 to come. It’s the day that my contract will end. I was wrong to show them that I’m happy coz it’s very near.

Truly, despite all the pains and hardships that some have caused me, I still want to stay here because of the friendship that was built among us.

Sobra talaga.. I will really really miss them… my dear friends here in the Office of the University Registrar of De La Salle Manila… so much…

 

 

-#-

I guess it’s final

May mga bagay na hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag..

tulad na lamang ng pagkalas sa isang relasyon.

O diba ang haba ng hair, parang si Rapunzel lang.. haha..

I am paranoid na dadating din ang panahon na iiwan nya din ako tulad ng pag-iwan sa akin ng iba… takot na takot na takot na talaga akong masaktan..

it seems that i dont want to take a risk anymore sa lahat ng mga relasyong papasukan ko..

but still parang i still want to enter in a relationship na hindi naman ako sigurado, marahil gusto ko pang mag-explore at i-enjoy ang feeling ng mga first time na pwede kong ma-encounter with the person na nakakasama ko..

Pero ang danger neto… may taong masasaktan dahil sa paranoiang iyon..

May white and black nga naman ang bunga ng idinulot na hinanakit at kalungkutang dulot ng nakaraan sa atin.

Unintentionally and unconsciously, nagagawa mo na sa iba ung naranasan mo… you’d observe it bago ka matulog, dahil naiisip mo ang kalagayan ng taong nararamdaman mong nasaktan mo.. kahit pinipilit mong iapgdikdikan sa sarili mong ayos lang ang lahat.. pero meron ka pa ring agam agam na pwedeng mangyari sayo (ULIT) ang pag-iwan ng taong pinakamamahal mo tulad ng ginawa mo sa taong mahal mo din naman..

Sa kabilang banda, gusto mo pa ring bumalik… dahil sa dumating din naman sa buhay mo na naipanalangin mong may dumating na taong magmamahal sayo ng sobra tulad ng pagmamahal na naibigay at ibinibigay mo..

Tama nga naman.. you badly asked for it before.. dumating na nga sa moment na ganon.. pero parang masyado naman ata akong na-o-overwhelmed sa feeling na masyado naman akong mahal.. hindi ako SANAY..pero masarap sa pakiramdam..

Haay… there’s no easy way nga naman to break somebody’s heart.. :’( (taray!)

But i have to do it.. i have to let go of this feeling and to cut what has been started. :’(

It’s for the reason that i don’t want to elaborate anymore. coz nobody cares.. hehehe..

:’)

Learning to accept it.

It hurts

It really does…

But I can’t seem to hate them. I just can’t.

Maybe because I’ve really loved them so much that I couldn’t explain why I’m still hoping that someday they’re gonna call me up and invite me for a simple talks.

I expected the scenarios happening…

I don’t have the right to ask them to respect me or even just consider me as a person who was once been a friend to them, who showed them a lot of affections, time and so much love without asking something in return.

It really hurts me more thinking about the memories we shared together, those laughter, tears, conversation, small, no-nonsense and senseless talks and carrying one another’s burden.

I miss them so much.

But I have to go and be satisfied to where I am right now.

All I could do now is to let the time and every single thing coming my way to help me ease the pain that I feel. Once again, I’m still grateful that in my life’s journey, I had them traveling with me for few years.

The Triumphant One-day JOURNey

The Triumphant One -day JOURNey

Dark Road Brightened Up by the Lights.

(Mobile alarms;  5:00 am-> ♫ When I look into Your Holiness, when I gaze into Your Loveliness……♫) 

As usual, my husband is the first one who wakes up at 5 in the morning and snooze my alarm in 15 minutes.

It alarmed again and he woke me up: “Honey, 2^nd alarm na, gising na”. So I got up from bed, went to the bathroom, read a chapter in the Bible and pray. After that personal devotion, I went down to the kitchen and prepared our breakfast. While cooking, my husband called me: “Hon, diba classmate mo itong Gilbert Monge nung college? Nasa news sya.” So I paused for minute and went to the sala to watch it. I was not really surprised then when I heard that he’s the CEO of the Philippine Daily Inquirer. I knew from the start then that he could do it. 

I returned to the kitchen and quickly had our breakfast because I should be in Tagaytay before 11 o’clock. It was really a good Saturday coz Noneym, my husband, has no work and that he could drive me into Tagaytay for my meeting. While on our travel, I took a glance at the Manila Standard Today (broadsheet). On its left lower corner, the “proud to be Filipina attain stardom in Time” caught my attention. So I turned it to the entertainment page. “Oh my god!” I shouted. “Hon, si Cams to, (Camille Macayan) classmate ko din sya nung college. She’s featured in the Time Magazine for her “A walk with the Stars” book. Almost 11 million copies were published and sold out in 3 months.”

My husband was patiently listening to me, so after all my speeches, his turn now. He tuned in the radio for the news and current events. The voice of the two radio announcers seemed so familiar, but I could hardly recognize them. Good thing that Noneym is an avid listener of that station. “Bago na announcer nila, dalawang babae na,” he whispered. We finally knew their names at the end of the program: “catch you again later for the afternoon updates here in Hot News Today! I am Joevie Guerrero and this is Grace Palpalatoc for ABJO 77.8 have a nice day!”

To my boredom, I got my laptop and opened my social network accounts (friendster, facebook, multiply). I saw the bulletin (survey) of Fitz , but I did not open it anymore, it’s actually her primary profile picture that I noticed. But I haven’t still viewed her profile. Just few minutes ago, out of the blue I look outside the window, then I saw a very huge billboard of Penshoppe along Sucat road. It looks like the primary photo of Fitz Teretit, so I went to her page. Then it says in her shout out: “guys, gawa ko po yung bagong lay-out ng Penshoppe na nasa kahabaan ng EDSA, NLEX at SLEX Billboards. Pencils cosmetics, pasok ang eyeliner ko diba? Hehe…” Then I looked down, I read the comments: “Fitz, ang husay mo talagang Advertising Creative Designer astig ka sa Penshoppe! Goodluck! So then, I sent her a congratulatory application in Facebok.

For about 10:30 am, I received a text from my Mom in UE (Kathleen Velasco, who owns 4 units in Le Grande Condominium at Eastwood.) saying: “Yung tatay nyo, nasa ETC na naman, kausap si Spiderman! J) just visit www.etclive.com for those who are online.. “I swiftly went to the site and watched Dad Nickz’ (Nicko Wangag, popularly known as Nikki Wang, as the new Hollywood Stars-caster) interviewing Toby Maguire. Then I replied to Mom: “hahaha.. astig talaga, nung una si Batman, ngayon si Spiderman! I guess you should be prepared Kath-woman! Hehehe”

 

On my view seeing, I saw a cute little boy in the other car of the road. He looks like an animé character. Then I just remember JM Javier who’s one of the good cartoonists and animé writers in Japan.

 

We’re finally there in our meeting place, 10:57 when we arrived, and everyone seemed so excited and prepared. But then, when I was about to take my seat, my phone rang, there’s Pike Revita calling. “Heidz, sorry to disturb you, anyway just want to ask if you know someone who’s accounting graduate or a CPA. We need it, urgent in our agency eh.. baka lang meron ka..” he asked. “Pike, I’ll call you back later after my meeting ha.. wala pa ako maisip eh..” I replied. With a smile on my face, going into the room for our meeting, “imagine! Pike just dreamt of being a CSR on our 4^th year in College, and now he’s a very serious business man who owns the Jolly Global Stride Call Center Company at Makati with Migz Velasco as his business partner and.” I thought.

 

After our meeting at about 4:00 pm, Noneym and I strolled in Tagaytay as part of our plan.
Upon wandering at the picnic grove, I saw Claude and MJ Bonares with their first handsome child. So to my excitement hold and hug their son, I left Noneym taking buying stuff. “Uy! Kumusta naman ang pagiging PR ni Senator Allan Cayetano Jey?” I asked. “Okey naman, pero siguro mga 3 months na lang ako dun. May business na kasi si Claude, yung mga gadgets and computers, laptops, so we planned na magtutulungan kami i-manage yun.” I haven’t heard anything from Claude coz he’s busy feeding their son. “‘pag may time ka Heidz, punta ka sa shop naming sa Rockwell, 2^nd floor.” MJ added. “Sure!” I replied.
We had talked few things; reminiscing college days and latest about Journ, but it just lasted for about an hour.
We had our dinner in Leslie’s Resturant at 7.

 

That entire day is really tiring for both of us. So I asked my husband if we could spend our night there and just look for suite there, I just assumed that he’s even more exhausted than I who just sit and talk in the car.

 

On our way looking for inn, I just remember Girlie, coz she’s currently at the Tagaytay Highlands. It was just yesterday when we had our small talk on the phone asking how we doing and updating each other about our lives. She mentioned that she’d also be there in Tagaytay for a special meeting. Girlie, the Vice President of Summit Media Publication, was invited by the Tagaytay Highlands management for her excellent leadership all throughout her days in Summit. Then I tried to call her and asked her if she could meet us in Starbucks for coffee. But she said: “Sorry bakling, maaga kasi ako bukas sa office, lam mo na, kina-career masyado..” “ay ganon? Okey lang sige, baka lang kasi free ka ngayon.” I answered back. But she gladly added that she was given a free membership on that very elegant place.

 

Almost all reasonably-priced hotels are booked, so we were really forced to check-in to Taal Vista. Inside our room, we really felt so worn out that without more ado, we lie down on bed and rested for a while.

 

I turned the TV on and watched the University of the Philippine’s Awarding for Best Media Practitioners. I was really stunned hearing Precious Francisco’s name, who got the Best TV reporter for ABS-CBN Bandila evening news program. But seeing Jessica Sandra a.k.a ‘Jeka’ going up to the stage to receive her award for the Most Outstanding Journalist of the year was really gratifying. Jeka gained that award due to her very alarming documentary in GMA 7 about the rampant same sex relationship happening in this country.

 

I just finished the show and was later on took a bathed. But my drowsiness was overhauled by the water and I cannot really sleep then. So I watched again.

 

At first, I couldn’t distinguish the News Anchor in CNN, so I took a little closer to the monitor. I was right with my intuition! It’s Luisa Wong that I hear and see! So I got up and get my laptop and viewed her profiles in friendster, facebook and multiply. But I haven’t seen any picture of her in CNN studio. All I could see the pictures of her family in the Philippines; her husband Lam and their boy and girl twins (fraternal- the girl looks like Lam and boy looks like the mom.) and the last log-in: 3 weeks! I just presumed that she already posted a blog, shout out or bulletin. But then, I just emailed her and congratulate her for her success in America.

 

Few minutes later, her slot ended, so I turned off the TV. However, I can’t still sleep that night so I visited the “The first time I’ve Loved Forever” website (forum page). It’s a novel and being talked about worldwide (I could match up to Twilight) due to its whimsical yet fantastic, creative and very exceptional plot, so that I really became a fan of it. Actually, over 19 million copies were already sold out in a just 2 months. I used to visit the forum and post my replies and comments there. There’s just one thing that keeps joining the forum, it’s the remarks of one of the best Journalism educators, who’s now the Dean of College of Arts and Sciences of University of the East, Mr. Alex Maaliw. He gave his very much appreciated critiques and proud-to-be-professor statements. And one of those is: “Kristine Perez was my student way back 2009. Indeed, she has that passion in writing. And now, I want to commend her for a very victorious novel which will soon be a block buster movie in Hollywood and all over the world.

 

It was past 11, so I shut down my laptop and say a little prayer before I close my eyes to sleep. Nonetheless, right after my “Amen”, my rang and it’s Baklang Neil Javier calling. “Hoy, gabing gabi na ditto, bakit ka napatawag?” I exclaimed. “Baklang Heidz, uuwi na ko next week! Buti naman talaga noh! Editor In Chief nga ako ng isang Fashion Magazine dito sa Japan, eh wala naman akong kapiling na kapamilya’t kapuso! Besides, nakapag-ipon na naman ako. Tsaka sabi nila mommy, gawa na daw ung Lien Mikee Young Salon ko sa Power Plant at The Fort, so keri nay un diba? Buhay na buhay na kami nun?!!?” she said. Then I laughed so hard and said: “O talaga? Nakapag-pa-sex change ka na ba? Sige okey yan, para makalibre ako sa mga hair and skin treatments ko! Hahaha!”

“OO babaeng babae na kasarian ko!! Ikaw talagang barakuda ka buraot ka pa din! Knowing na ikaw na Marketing Head ng Nestlé!”

 

(Cell phone alarms: 6:00 am)

(Snooze 9 minutes)

(2^nd alarm)

(3^rd alarm)

 

“Uy ate! Ung cell phone mo alarm na ng alarm di ka pa bumabagon!!!” my brother said as he woke me up.
I was actually awake that time (8:30 am). I just woke up 6:30 and haven’t go back sleeping, rather, I just had that very wonderful day dream, wishing each of my Journmates and professor a career that they have once dreamt of. (I supposed you do guys.. hehehe.)

 

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you; declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

#

It’s Undeniable

 

It’s Undeniable

 

Last Monday (February 16), I dropped by in school first to pay for my tuition fee (prelims) before I went to my work. It was then 8 o’clock in the morning when the Flag ceremony has taken place. I’m already done with my purpose there before it began. So, I had the chance to witness and cooperate to the morning flag retreat there in quadrangle.

 

 

I didn’t wait for the UE Hymn anymore because I might come late to the office. While I was walking going out to Recto gate, the ‘Pamantasan ng Silangan’ was played. It was just so weird and kind of funny when tears shed on my cheeks when I heard the melody. Honestly, maybe, I cried because of the thought that 2 months from now, I would be marching on the stage of PICC wearing a graduation toga and knowing that my parents will be the happiest persons on that day. I think I am just grateful enough that I am finally done in my Bachelors Degree. And I guess, the tears fell down from my eyes connotes the fear that very soon, I will be walking into the corporate world (though I’m already there as a part timer).

 

 

I am always asked the question: “so, ano plano mo? Saan ka na mag-wo-work nyan after grauation?” And my answer is simple and used to be: “sa Call Center, practicality wise lang, dun may pera eh.. (then I give them a silly laugh.)”  But my dream is really to work as an event coordinator and to be in an advertising company. I just don’t want to lengthen the conversation with the people whom I think cannot help me decide what to pursue.

 

I can’t fool myself with the fact that I want to get a job that will give me a high salary for meeting us (my family) financially. I am widely open to the reality that being in an advertising corporation and an event coordinator will take me years to become one.  So, the first thing I have in mind is to apply in the most in-demand job in this country.

 

 

I believe that there’s nothing wrong being a call center agent, but I am just a bit bother to the feed backs I hear about the job. In fact, there are some who worked in a call center discourage me to pursue it for their own personal reasons.

 

 

 

I cannot deny the fact that I am somehow afraid of not having a job right after this school semester. It’s maybe because I am open to the reality that it is very hard to find a job nowadays. I am worried for two reasons: first, we, my family, actually saw and felt my brother’s (fresh graduate) experience of difficulties on seeking a job. Second,  I guess because although there are people who support me on applying in the call center company, there’s the thought in me that I might fail to get such work due to my problem in English speaking, grammar and poor vocabulary.

 

 

 

Nonetheless, I am certain that not all call center people are efficient and proficient in grammar. So, just last week, I started to review and read my speech and grammar books. Then these things made me realize that it added guts to follow my plan working as a call center agent.

 

 

 

As of now, as a fresh graduate of Journalism course, one of the first few opportunities that I consider,  and as a daughter who have been wanted to repay her parents for working so hard and sacrificing a lot for their child’s education, is in the world of call center.

 

 

 

At this time, I would love to be a full time worker (on the 3^rd week of March) and support my family. Certainly, I am very much excited to be a full time good employee in an advertising or events agency after a year or two of working in different fields.

 

 

A Heart’s Day Date Dream

A HEART’S DAY DATE DREAM

 

Everyone dreams of having a very special moment with their very special man or woman in a place, that you have both planned- and it is known as a ‘date’. It can happen all the time, as long as two lovers commit themselves in a particular day.

 

 

Valentine’s month used to make my heart pale due to the reality that I haven’t had a date ever on this event.

 

“Who’s your date?” I suppose that all the single out there, men and women encountered the same old question when the so called heart’s day is about to come. For me, it’s sort of annoying on my side when acquaintance or friends ask me that kind of query. Why? It’s because, hello? Have you not know that I am not yet committed to anybody? But I gave them the benefit of the doubt. They may think that I’m just so silent when it comes to this matter. (But no, I am not unspoken; I just don’t have anyone and anything to share.)

 

On the other hand, for those who are married, taken, in a relationship or in a complicated condition, they’re being asked the question “where do both of you plan to go?” Some may answer it and some may not. But me, as one who belong in the Single but Happy union, is hoping to soon give a response to this question.

 

There was I, trying to compose and put my thoughts into a story.

 

So here I am again, imagining myself being with my Mr. Best Right, dating with him and cherishing our night on the 14^th of February.

Since it is my very first time to have a date on Heart’s day, it’ll be pretty much exciting for me, for my family and my true-best-friends.

 

 

 I am not so ‘maarte’ to this matter. All I want is to make the night fun and memoorable. Even if we can’t afford to dine in a sophisticated restaurant there, I think just a cold frapuccino

french fries

and

burger  can add up to that happiness, since we both love to eat (or maybe it’s just me). Sitting in the grass make the moment as cool as the water falls on that stone and as delicious as the food we’re taking.

 

Then, when we both have our stable job that could meet mine and his plan to celebrate one of our anniversaries or valentine dates in a sophisticated place, then, we will have it in one of the beach resorts in Palawan.

 

 

 

Amanpulo Luxury Resort

 

 

 

 

Here in Aman Pulo Palawan we will celebrate our 3^rd Anniversary. He and I occupy the sits. We’ll both enjoy watching the beautiful sun set and feel the romantic atmosphere. When the night approaches the place, the stars, moon in the sky and trees are only the witnesses of our spectacular moment lying on that blue bedspread with the candle lights. We will again fill the nights with laughter, stories, dreams and our plans.

 And before that evening ends, he’ll finally utter the words: “please marry me.” And my answer is: “let’s go, they (my friends) are waiting for us” (kidding.)

 

Indeed, dreaming is free.

Happy Heart’s Day to all!

Dreamer’s Fantasy

 

Trials, circumstances and obstacles will always be in the road as we go on in our journey. And blaming someone, event and situations is just disgusting response to mistakes and adversaries came into picture.

2008 was really a wonderful year to me. I had a lot of triumph, been through a lot of trials, experience to get hurt over and over again and encountered a lot of happiest moments of my life on 2008.

 I play and watch my all time favorite movie in the theater of my mind and add some scene and episode on it as I yearn to. I must be slumbering for 4 years waiting for my Prince to his kiss that will wake me up.

“Dreaming… I must be dreaming or am I just lying here with you…”

I used to imagine and like to dream of someone that I used to love. I was then looking forward to  seeing myself talking with him, us being together in a mall, watching movies together, eat, laugh with him, hold his hands and stare at him ‘till we put an end to the remarkable day being so happy.

He was my 3^rd ultimate crush ever.

 

Fortunately, we became friends and after a month or two we had the so wrong beginning of such relationship. Although he hasn’t seen me before in person and it’s just me that I knew him. I met him in friendster through a friend name Thal. We send email each other, call, text and chat everyday.

 

We broke up after 42 days for some reasons. He had another girl in a month after that break up. And it tore me into pieces. Really, it was  one of the most painful things happened to me. But after 3 months of hating him, I still ended up dreaming of him and desiring him back to me. And that longing just stimulated my mellow-dramatic talent, the dream-believe-survive approach.

 

I was almost over him, really.

 

On the 5^th of October 2008, on our Church’s 30^th Anniversary at the Luneta Grandstand, I saw him first and I really felt like crying, I can’t breathe and it was like I’m  in the bonfire that my body inside and out literally sizzling.  For me, it was absolutely unexpected. Though I already knew long before he came here in this country, I was not then expecting to have even a second to see him.

 

He approached me first and I was like being starstrucked not because he’s that so handsome, but maybe because I was really waiting for that moment to come, to coincidentally have him so near beside me.

 

After the whole day event, at night we had the chance to talk and he asked for my number. As much as I wanted to stay composed, I still feel ruffled and baffled inside me. But I hope he haven’t noticed.

 

A night after that day, we met again in a Party. We’re in the same table with his and my friends. And on that moment, I was gradually acting a normal me. It was quite hard for me to handle the breathtaking feeling, but I did make it.

 

I thought that night was the last glimpse of my dreams.

 

On the 21^st of October, the night before he return home (somewhere in the other continent) he and I went out for a dinner. We’ve been together for 3 or more hours. We stroll in one of my favorite places. We talked about the lives of our common friends, we ate together, we laughed talking about the Bubble gang (GMA 7 Comedy TV Show) and we really enjoyed that moment.

 

At that time, in my mind, I don’t want to end that night, I want to stop the clock from its ticking. But many things burst into my mind. He took me home but I did not let his feet set even in front of the door of my friend’s house.

 

When we were in the cab going home, in every moments of silence, I felt like want so say the things that I wished to tell him in my fantasy. The things that has been left unsaid after he totally forget about what we had, was all I wanted to utter.

But it was all still left hanging. I was just in a strange feeling that time, all I can do is to wait for a new topic to be conferred.

 

But when I’m about to get off the cab, I just felt like crying coz it seems like someone get my lollipop in my hands that I wont have it anymore. The same thing with that situation, it might not happen again.

 

But then, talking with him in the mobile for everyday, every minute and hours (of course, when we were still awake) was one of the happiest and best things happened to me on 2008.

 

The moments I had with him were all the answer to all my hopes and dreams. He cleansed out his mess and wiped the dried up tears in face on that night for I finally had the chance to be with the man of my dream even in just very hours.

 

 It seems like I am a princess who waited for the kiss of his prince, and was able to wake up again for 4 years in a slumber.

The Converted Grinch (for real).

I can’t sleep. I can’t wait for the sun rise, for tomorrow will give me so many things to enjoy. And for I know that there are many Sta. Claus waiting for me on that day.

 

 

These are the things that I used to think and feel the day before Jesus Christ’s birthday.

 

Most of the people around the world are so busy buying things for themselves and wrapping gifts to give for their loved ones. Indeed, most of us are so excited to the most celebrated season of every year.

 

During my childhood years, I was one of those people who are pretty much excited for Christmas day. Of course, who among us wouldn’t be, knowing that there are gifts waiting for you on that occasion?

 

When I came to know the real reason of the season, I wasn’t then so excited because I know in my heart that everyday must be the day of our Lord Jesus Christ even if there’s no giving of gifts and celebration.

 

Honestly, the thought of it is not just the reason why I feel not so eager anymore.

 

Before, I always wonder why I don’t feel really happy whenever Christmas is coming. It seems like there is emptiness in my heart and I feel so deserted at times.

 

I always thought that Christmas songs have a big part of such feelings.

 

I always heard that many people committed suicide on Christmas times because of an emotional infirmity brought by the Christmas surroundings.

 

The cold weather, music, chats, most media programs and the colourful Christmas lights and lanterns added pain in their hearts.

 

I thought.

 

Those things are like the spirit of Grinch visiting our village.

 

Grinch is a magical Christmas movie fantasy that was given life by Jim Carrey. He is a bad-tempered green hairy creature who decides to stop the Christmas and steal every presents and decorations.

 

He hated Christmas most in the world and all the people celebrating it for an unforgettable hurtful reason he encountered.

 

Surprisingly, Grinch’s spirit used to visit our home. And later on, I realized that that’s the reason why I’m feeling dishearten on Christmas day.

 

As far as I can remember, every year, in our home, Christmas is not complete without my father being drunk and without my 2 brothers and I being puzzled to my parents’ quarrel.

 

It is completely incomplete without my father going to a half-day work and return to our house intoxicated.

 

I could still remember when I was 11 years old, my Mother was all alone in our house, she was just there the whole December 25 and drinking beer.

 

It was the first time that I saw her drinking alcohol. I am not used to seeing her having such beverages in the table. It honestly made me sick and I felt like crying that time.

 

I tried to console her and share what I got from my Ninongs and Ninangs but each time I opened our door, I see her crying.

 

As much as I wanted to be with her, I just can’t, coz I really don’t want to stay beside the drunken people. I guess, I just don’t want the smell and how people being sarcastic when high. I am honestly afraid of them.

 

I knew then that my father is the reason why Nanay was like that.

 

My father was seemingly wrapped by the spirit of Grinch who’s the reason of my depression on that season. He’s the reason why I cannot be happy, coz my mother hates him when he’s taking alcohol.

 

 Nonetheless, I know that my Father doesn’t mean it. He did not actually want to feel us such emotional pain. And even if he did notice it, I still believe that he’s repentant to that and in his heart he’s saying sorry to us.

 

 

 

That was totally unintentional. I know it is.

 

He is not the kind of parent who will give the worst gift that his children and wife would ever receive.

 

On Christmas 2007, it was the first time ever that my Tatay got home from a half-day work sober.

 

And since we had an open conversation on New Year’s Eve of 2006, we freely express our emotions and openly say the things that we want to change in our attitude as a family.

 

And for that, I know that the Grinch’s spirit was transformed to being Sta. Clause to us, his children and a Joseph to his Mary, my Nanay.

 

And then again I thought that it was just a funny dream.

 

That my father played the role of that Grinch, and that Jim Carrey might lose his acting charm performing that kind of creature. For I guess, my father played it for real. Not scripted, but absolutely unintended.

 

The seed of excitement in my heart was planted to me on that year and was even more growing by experiencing those changes and also through us having a nephew, my brother’s child, and my parents’ first grandson that serves as a rainfall for this soil.

 

You and I don’t deserve to receive rotten gifts from our loved ones. And no one on earth who truly loves you would worsen your day and make your Christmas miserable and manifest Grinch’s spirit.

 

And now I realized that there’s no reason for me to get upset and feel such emotional frailty, for I’m certain of my family and true friends’ gift of love and for I wholeheartedly understand what Christmas is. It’s not even our birthday! So let’s give what pleases the Holy One.

 

struggling personality

I always consider the fact that every people, old and young in this planet earth has an innate bad things in their personality. Ever since the moment of learning and exploring new things in life we already get the trash that the world is putting to us. Therefore, whether people around you say that you’re so kind or ‘mabait”‘ o ’salbahe’, you must admit that you have that hidden dark side of you.

When i was in my primary school days, the only thing that I could always recall that my friends used to open up and complain to my behavior is that I am most of the time mean, ‘maarte’ ‘mayabang’ or boastful. I cannot actually admit it. I thought that they are just too envy of me and they’re just annoying me of saying those things. But later on I realized that having that kind of thought is actually an act of boasting.

Until I stepped into my high school world, my new friends told me the same things. Though I’m used to hearing those accusations, I’d be very bother about it and always ended up my day with the self-realization-evalutaion stuff.

As year passed by, getting rid of being like that and learning to put away those awful attitudes is not really an overnight process for me. It took me years to overcome it. And I must say that it’s not happened only by my own effort, God has the biggest part of taking away those trash and filled me with new desirable things. But my personality’s shortcomings don’t stop there.

The moment that I entered my undergrad world, many new things and changes came into my lifestyle and even in my whole being. The first thing that I have really noticed is that my appetite in academics was slowly dying, it is I think, I am just too tired of going to school and study for another 4 years. The bad thing about it is that I became lazy doing school stuff and used to blame myself whenever I get low grades and at times lead me into depression. As time goes on, mingling with so many different kinds of people and personalities is one of the top things in me that I enjoy so much. From this, I really didn’t realize that unwittingly, I tend to imitate friends’ behavior, attitudes, lifestyle and ideas.

 I have actually lost my own identity. And on finding again my self, so many undesirable things took place in me. I’m having the struggle within myself for continuing fighting against my immaturity. I may not elaborate what are those, but in due time I strongly believe I would be who I really am and would learn how to deal with my weaknesses when I am being tested.

 To please people is one of the greatest mistakes I’m dealing with the Lord now. Though it’s hard, but I always remember what my friends always say: ‘you cannot please everybody and it’s impossible.” Pleasing every one is really impossible and it would just lead you into dissatisfaction and would bring you lots of changes on your very own personality. It has just lost my own that is why I’m finding it once again.

I cannot actually rend my own self, because I think that your self is the one who could be your ultimate biological best friend and would understand all that you are. But to know about my dirt, cleaning up my mess and fighting against my personal battle are the things that i should always be conscious and be wary of for I am just a woman bound into my co-human’s judgements and criticisms. And for those criticisms, I must know how to deal with it, accept it and transform it for the Glory of God alone.